STONED
by ilovetvalot
Summary: Revisit this re-written story to view our interpretation of a certain blonde FBI agent's experience with painkillers.
1. Chapter 1

**STONED**

She'd been in a hurry. And, her hands had been full. Those damn high heels hadn't helped anything, either.

She could blame the mishap on any number of things.

But her last rational, non-medicated thought as she felt her legs slip out from under her on the metal staircase leading down into the bullpen was that she really needed to invest in footwear more conducive to climbing the stairs fifty times a day. Her piercing scream rending the air on the long way down was the only announcement she could make indicating she was about to make one _hell _of a memorable entrance.

Derek Morgan had been the first to reach her. He'd been the closest to the stairwell. Crouching beside her prone form, he dropped a tentative hand to her shoulder. "JJ! Are you okay?"

Lying there, pride in tatters, JJ looked around as other faces began to crowd into her field of vision, coming into blurry focus. Pen, Em, Reid, Hotch, and Dave all surrounded her, shouting questions in rapid succession.

"Can you move, Gum Drop?" Penelope asked, her normally enthusiastic voice slightly panicky.

"No, don't move, JJ!" Emily ordered sternly when JJ tried to lift her head. "You may have broken something!"

"How the hell did she fall?" Hotch asked, glancing over his shoulder at the staircase.

"How many fingers am I holding up, Jayje?" Reid inquired, jabbing two spindly fingers under her nose and hitting her in the eye.

"Will you fools get out of her face and let her breathe?" Rossi growled, pushing Morgan out of the way to kneel beside her head. "Say something, JJ, so we know you aren't dead," Dave ordered gruffly, his own dark eyes worried as they met hers.

"I. Hurt." she gasped succinctly. What the hell did he expect her to say, she thought when his gaze darkened even more as he gazed at her face. That she was ready to dance a jig?

"I imagine you do," he said instead, staring down at her wide eyes as his hands probed at her, checking for any obvious broken bones. "Why you women insist on wearing shoes that could be used as a lethal weapon, I'll never know," he muttered with a glare at her stylish heels.

She didn't bother to mention that he'd never minded ogling her ass when she stood in those heels in front of him. Instead, she attempted to lift herself from her prone position onto her elbows…and screamed in pain, her breath lodging in her throat as her vision swam.

"What hurts?" the team asked in unison, each person taking an involuntary step forward their fallen teammate.

"Christ, I think I broke my whole body." JJ winced, resisting as Dave tried to push her back down to the floor with gentle hands.

"Don't move, JJ. Hotch, call EMS," David ordered firmly, smoothing back JJ's mussed hair as he spoke.

"EMS? Oh, hell, no!" JJ spat, struggling to sit up again but moaning again when her movement produced pain that would rival being hit by a semi doing eighty.

"Damn it, woman! Lay your ass back down before I decide to sit on you!" David retorted irritably. Obstinacy, thy name was Jennifer Jareau, he thought darkly.

"NO AMBULANCE!" JJ yelled loudly to anyone that was bothering to listen to anything she might have to say about her current situation.

"It's protocol, JJ," Hotch offered authoritatively, reaching for the nearest phone.

"I don't give a damn! I don't need one. If everybody would get the hell off me, I could just walk it off," she complained with a glare at the collected group of supposedly educated individuals.

"I'd like to see you try. Keep it up, Agent Badass, and I'll carry you to the hospital myself," JJ heard Rossi threaten. From the glimmer in his eyes, JJ instantly knew that he had absolutely no problem following through on his threat.

Disconnecting from her cell phone, Emily announced, "EMS is on their way, guys."

"Traitor!" JJ shouted, subconsciously marking Emily Prentiss down in her mental rolodex as a sellout. "For the record, I think you _all _suck! I don't need a freaking ambulance. I just fell! That's all. It's a waste of taxpayer money, Hotch! I've got a few bumps and bruises that will heal just fine on their own."

"And, when a doctor tells us that, we might actually believe them when they say it," Dave muttered, smoothing back her blonde hair from her pale face again.

As JJ opened her mouth to attempt to negotiate her way out of this debacle once again, she heard the elevator doors open to admit the paramedics to the floor. What the hell? Did the Bureau keep a unit on standby in the parking garage? Slapping at their intrusive hands as they tried to get her on the gurney, JJ protested loudly.

Watching the scene unfolding in front of him, David Rossi shook his head grimly. Physically lifting her up despite her screams of pain and strapping her on the rolling cot himself, he murmured, "You can thank me for this later."

Fear caught up with her as she realized that there was no way out of a trip to the ER. Grabbing his hand as the medics moved her toward the elevator, she asked with wide eyes, "You'll come with me, right?"

Bending quickly, Dave tightened his fingers around her hand as he whispered, "I'll be right behind you, sweetheart."

"No, you'll get your butt on that ambulance with me!" she protested with a groan as the gurney hit an uneven place in the floor and jostled her aching body. With a white drawn face, JJ confided softly, "Dave, I've got a phobia about hospitals."

"Okay, honey. Don't worry. I won't leave you," he whispered back. Calling over his shoulder, "Hotch, I'll ride with her to make sure she behaves. You guys can follow us!"

"We'll be right behind you, Dave," Hotch called back. "Just keep her from making a break for it."


	2. Chapter 2

**Stoned**

**Chapter Two**

Forty-five minutes later, Jennifer was being hovered over by a doctor that irritated the hell out of her, a nurse that resembled Attila the Hun, and a very annoyed David Rossi. And each of them seemed to be determined to drive her over the edge and into insanity.

"Ms. Jareau, you need to let us give you this shot," said the doctor, nodding at the syringe in the nurse's hands. "If you'll just roll over on your side, we can…"

"No, I don't need a shot. I need to go _home_," JJ argued with a brief shake of her long blonde locks. Was she even speaking English anymore? It seemed no matter what protest she lodged, these individuals refused to understand her simple request.

"Ms. Jareau, I assure you that it's perfectly safe," the doctor began again, prepared to plead his case as many times as it took for his patient to accept treatment.

"It's Ativan…it's a mood drug. I _don't_ need a drug to improve my _mood._ I need one that will _kill the pain_!" JJ snapped, her own patience virtually non-existent as the pain throbbed in her body.

"JJ, honey, take the damn shot," Rossi ordered through his clenched teeth as he strove to keep the bite out of his voice.

Narrowing her eyes on the man currently standing to her left holding her hand, she replied with a sweetness that would have made her mother proud, "_You_ take the shot, _honey_! Maybe it will remove the stick currently lodged up your ass!"

"Ms. Jareau, Ativan is also a very good muscle relaxer. Let's just give it a try and I'll order a shot of morphine, too," the doctor cajoled gently, exchanging a look with his nurse over JJ's head. "You can go ahead and order that for her, Alice."

"Morphine?" asked Jennifer hopefully, meeting the nice looking man's kind eyes. She could definitely get on board with a medicine that would actually _help_ the acute throb centered in her back.

"A nice, big shot of it." The doctor nodded affably, seeing his patient's attitude improve at the very mention of the narcotic.

Looking at Dave, she obediently turned on her side for the nurse to pull her gown up around her waist. "I like morphine, Dave. Morphine works," she whispered, flinching as a needle pierced her skin.

Running a hand over his tired face, Dave bent to press a quick kiss on JJ's forehead. "I think _this_ is gonna be a helluva long night, Bella," he murmured against her ear.

_**$$000$$**_

Half an hour later, life seemed ever so much rosier to the young petite blonde laying on the hospital bed in George Washington Memorial's ER after receiving a round of Ativan and morphine. While the doctor ordered a battery x-rays to ensure that she hadn't broken any bones, the nurse informed Rossi that the rest of their team had arrived and were in the waiting room.

Lifting the bedrails that would ensure her patient didn't roll herself onto the floor in her drugged stupor, JJ's nurse smiled tightly at the older man on the other side of the bed. "Sir, you need to remain in the waiting room with the rest of Agent Jareau's family while she gets those films made. We'll come and get you when we bring her back from radiology," Alice explained tersely, well-accustomed to dealing with less than cooperative patients and family.

Grabbing Dave's hand, JJ's eyes widened. "Nuh uh," she said belligerently. "You promised you wouldn't leave me, Dave," JJ reminded the man beside her fervently. "_You promised me!"_

"I have no intention of breaking my promise to you, JJ," Dave assured the woman in front of him calmly. "I'm not going anywhere, Blue Eyes. Just relax," he said soothingly, running a gentle hand over her cheek as he lifted determined eyes to the nurse glaring at him.

"Agent Rossi," the woman began sternly, her already pinched face drawing tighter.

"Look," he said, leveling the nurse with his own patented glare, "I made the woman a promise that I'm going to keep. I'm not leaving her."

"Sir, it is standard hospital policy," Alice spouted stubbornly. "If you have a problem with it, I suggest that you need to take it up with hospital administration."

"Lady," Dave snapped, quickly losing his own patience while tightening his hand on Jennifer's reassuringly, "I'm not going to leave her. Take it up with the President if _you_ have a problem with it."

"Yeah," JJ sneered and proceeded to blow a raspberry at the nurse.

Rolling her eyes at the patient in the bed and her theatrics, the nurse focused Dave with a cold, emotionless stare. "I don't particularly care whose name you drop, sir. You will _not_ be accompanying my patient to radiology. It is in violation of hospital protocol."

Losing his patience entirely, David Rossi snatched his credentials from his suit pocket. Flipping them open, he flashed them at the woman standing opposite him, growling sarcastically, "Let me drop this name for you, Nurse Ratchet. David Rossi. Write it down and memorize it," he advised crisply, "Because I'm the man who will make sure that by the time this is over, you'll be unemployed without hope of getting so much as a janitor's position in _any_ hospital anywhere if you so much as try and stop me from going with her into a place she hates! Consider this woman to be in protective custody. _Mine! _ Do we understand each other now?"

"Hmmmffff," the nurse sniffed, efficiently injecting JJ with another shot of morphine as the orderly walked in the door..

"Take this patient and her…protector to radiology," the nurse ordered the young man shortly, briskly leaving the room, her spine stiff and her chin held high.

"Man, who pissed in that woman's Wheaties?" The young orderly grinned down at JJ, his hands braced against the metal bars. "Or did you leave a turd in her Cheerios?" he teased.

"He did!" JJ said happily, pointing at David, her finger wriggling from side to side as she smiled dopily at the older man. "He's my hero!" she informed the orderly happily, her eyes glazed with the effects of the morphine.

"You must be packing some serious heat, dude. Not many people take on "By the Book Morrison" and win," the orderly said in a tone filled with awed respect.

"She's never met Bossy Rossi," JJ sang with a giggle as her head tossed on the pillow.

Staring softly down at the blonde beauty in the bed, David said softly, "She shouldn't have upset the woman in the bed then."

Laughing up at him, JJ replied, "She called you my protector. Isn't that kind of like being my pimp?" she asked whimsically.

"NO!" David shouted, aghast.

"You sure?" JJ asked again, cocking her head as she considered the quandary.

Shaking his head at the direction his drug addled woman's mind was going, David heard the orderly's laugh.

"Oh, they gave her the good stuff, didn't they?" the orderly asked Dave, his gaze amused.

"Evidently," David murmured in reply. "A double dose."

Nodding his understanding, the orderly began to roll her out of the room toward X-ray, pausing when JJ grabbed onto David's hand. "Guess what?" she asked brightly.

"What, babe?" Dave asked quietly.

"I hurt and I don't care anymore!" she informed him happily.

"Well, sweetheart, I guess if you have to be in pain, that's the best way to feel about it," David said soothingly, nodding slightly at the orderly to get them moving again.

"I think so, too," she said with a relieved sigh, laying back against her pillow as they rolled her into the elevator.


	3. Chapter 3

**Stoned**

**Chapter Three**

Ten minutes later, Jennifer Jareau had her orderly, her X-ray technician, two radiology assistants and her secret boyfriend in stitches as she lay prone on the metal table, yelling at the top of her very tiny lungs, "Daaavvvviiiiidddddd! Look! They're looking at my nekkid bones! I'm flashin' 'em!"

David shook his head behind the glass partition as he watched one of the X-ray technicians depress a button and tell his wonderful woman that she had to stay still for the fourth time in five minutes. _Yeah, good luck with THAT, buddy, he thought with a smile._

Lifting her uninjured leg in the air and twirling it, Jennifer began to sing loudly in a horribly off-key tone, "The leg bone's connected to the hip bone…."

Looking at the man standing beside him, the X-ray tech managed David through his laughter, "Man, I feel for you!"

Propping his chin on his hand as he watched yet another tech try to explain to Jennifer that she had to remain still in order to gain a clear image, he muttered, "Gee, thanks! She can't help it that she's tone deaf."

It took forty-five minutes to convince the reluctant patient to stay flat on her back, but in the end, they emerged from radiology with readable X-rays and were escorted back to the room in the ER.

Upon arriving back at the ER cubicle, JJ and Dave only had to wait a few minutes for their harried doctor to bustle back into the room.

"Ms. Jareau luckily hasn't broken any bones. You won't be forced to entertain radiology again with your delightful voice," the physician informed them with a grin. Evidently tales of JJ's debut as a singer had reached him as well. "She does, however, have a sprained wrist that will require a sling _and_ a pinched nerve in her back that will cause her some pain for quite a few days. I'd like to admit her overnight as a precaution measure."

"Nope! Nuhhh Uhhhh," JJ denied, rising from the bed to point drunkenly at the doctor. "You can't make me!"

"Ms. Jareau, I can't in good conscience send you home unless I know you'll have someone to take care of you," the doctor countered, crossing his arms over his chest as he stared down at her.

Turning beseeching blue eyes on the man she loved, JJ said sweetly, "Daaavvvveeee, you'll take care of me, won't you?" Seductively, she ran a hand up his chest and added, "Do this for me, honey, and I'll take care of YOU in that special way you always love so much! You know, I'll do that thing with the ice cube and my tongue around your…"

Clapping a hand over her wicked mouth, David Rossi blushed for the first time in over twenty years. Nervously shooting the doc a hesitant grin, he nodded. "I'll take care of her," David told the doctor, keeping JJ's mouth firmly covered with his hand.

"I bet he will," the orderly behind him snickered.

Pulling David's hand away from her mouth, JJ grinned at the orderly. "You bet your ass, he will. This man has the stamina of a race horse. Don't let his age fool you!" she laughed, jabbing a finger into Dave's chest for emphasis.

"Lucky girl," said the nursing assistant that was adjusting her IV murmured with an appreciate look in Dave's direction.

"Jennifer Rose!" David groaned, wondering what the chances were that God might do him a favor and choose this moment to send him to his great reward.

"What?" JJ asked innocently, "You know I've never had to twist your arm into climbing into my bed," JJ said petulantly. "You can't possibly be insecure. Not with a penis that- oomph." She frowned as Dave's hand muffled her mouth once more.

"I think that's enough talking for now, cara," Dave admonished in a choked voice.

Smiling, the doctor chuckled, "And on that note, I'll just get her discharge papers and medications together for you. Good Luck, Agent Rossi! I have a feeling with this little spitfire," he said with a nod at Jennifer, "you're gonna need it! If I were you, I'd be rather careful with her painkillers."

"Thanks so much," David grumbled as the other occupants of the room filed out, leaving he and Jennifer alone.

Leaning over JJ's body, David smiled. "Babe, you're stoned out of your mind right now, aren't you?"

Bobbing her head up and down enthusiastically while twirling her hair, JJ said, "Mmmm hmmm…and it's so much fun! Why didn't I try this before, Dave? I hurt, but it doesn't matter anymore cause it feels soooo good!"

Laughing softly at her, he frowned as she jerked him by the tie down to face level.

"Let me see how good you feel right now, Agent Rossi," JJ said, reaching out to cup him through his jeans as she sealed her lips to his.

Groaning, David pulled back from the mischievous drugged minx on the bed after a few seconds. "Honey, now is not the time. But, later, I promise, you'll get everything you're asking for," he said as the hospital room door opened behind them..

As the insurance clerk walked into the room, her arms filled with papers, JJ looked at her and said in a very put out voice, "My boyfriend won't let me cop a feel!" Flopping backward in the bed, she asked, "How would you feel if your boyfriend did that?"

Eyes widening in shock, the nice looking clerk stammered, "Uhhmmm, I'm not sure…"

Shaking his head at the surprised, tongue tied woman, David said softly, "She's stoned. What can I help you with?"

"We just need some insurance information from Ms. Jareau," the lady informed them both.

"In my purse," JJ said absently, gesturing toward the chair in the corner.

Looking around the room for the bag in question, David sighed as he realized JJ wasn't pointing in any particular direction. "If you'll just give me a second, I'll have that purse here." Picking up his cell, he speed dialed Garcia in the waiting room and told her the situation.

Two minutes later, their entire team and one sleek black purse made an appearance. Handing the insurance card to the clerk, Dave sighed as she beat a hasty retreat from the room.

Smiling at the team packed around her bed in the tiny room, JJ held out her arms. "I LOVE YOU ALL SOOOOO MUCH! I just want to hug you all!"

Shocked at the normally soft-spoken, serene woman, Reid asked, "JJ, have you taken something? A lot of something?"

Rolling his eyes at the young agent, Rossi growled, "Of course they've given her something. She's loaded to the gills right now on Ativan and morphine."

Giving David a hard punch in the arm, JJ snapped, "Don't you be mean to Spence! He's my friend, aren't you, Spencey?"

"Of course I am, Jayje," Spence said uncertainly, eyeing the woman in bed speculatively.

"And friends have each other's backs, don't they?" JJ asked, slurring a little while she blinked up at him.

Laughing uncomfortably, Spence nodded. "Whatever you say, Jayje."

"That's right, Spence, I'll always have your back and keep your secrets. I'll never tell ANYONE about that time in that bar in Georgetown that you almost went off with that transvestite!" Pressing a finger to her lips, she whispered, "Shhhh, it's our secret!"

Eyes growing ten times their normal size, Reid gasped, "JJ! You promised you'd never tell!"

Looking at him seriously with unfocused eyes, JJ said, "I won't. It's _our_ secret, Spencey!"

Head falling into his hands, Reid shook his head, groaning as he heard laughter surround him.

"A transvestite, man? Which part of the anatomy lesson could you not understand?" Morgan asked, laughing.

"Hey!" JJ said, waving a hand from the bed, "He never got close enough on the first date to know! Spence is a good boy! He's not like you, Derek. He doesn't put out on the first date, do you, honey?"


	4. Chapter 4

**Stoned**

**Chapter Four**

Yelping, Spencer whined, "JJ, how could you tell everyone about that? I thought we were each other's confidantes. Pals don't rat out pals!"

Glaring at the younger man, Penelope Garcia huffed, "Just a minute there, Einstein! If anyone is JJ's confidante, it's me! I've lived through more crap with that little gumdrop than you'll ever know about! I refuse to be upstaged by an under-age genius that wouldn't know his way out of a paper bag without directions. Isn't that right, Princess?" Garcia asked JJ sweetly, patting her flushed cheek.

Nodding energetically, JJ winced as she jostled her arm. Laughing, she looked at David, "See, I hurt, but it doesn't matter!"

"It matters, Angel," David said quietly, easing her back against the pillows.

Looking at Garcia, JJ rallied. "That's right, Pen-el-o-peeee," JJ said, overly enunciating each syllable. "You tell me everything! All those hopes and hot dreams about your chocolate sauce god over there," JJ said, nodding at Morgan. "Every morning at four am on the dot, you'd call to tell me every detail of what you did to him in your dreams." Looking at Derek, she muttered, "You were pretty freaking talented in those dreams, Morgan. I'm not sure you could measure up to her imagination. She did this thing with hot fudge and whipped cream that made even little ole me shiver."

"Jennifer Rose Jareau! I can not believe you're saying these things! Have you lost your mind?" Garcia squealed, hopping from one angry foot to the other as her eyes darted from a loose lipped JJ to an amused Morgan..

"Nope, I'm stoned…Doctor McDreamy said so," JJ announced happily..

As JJ looked over at Morgan in the corner, she grinned. "Look at him, Penny! He's got that quiet contemplative look in his eye! He's thrilled that he was a stud in your dreams! You just may get lucky after all!"

"JJ, SHUT UP!" Penelope hissed. Looking around, she squeaked, "I've got to get out of here,"

"Oh, hell no," Emily said, grabbing her arm. "She hasn't turned on Hotch or Morgan yet. You KNOW you don't want to miss that!"

"Penny, don't leave!" JJ yelled, trying to get out of bed despite Rossi's restraining hands. "Dave, stop tryin' to feel me up! I've gotta stop my lucky Penny!"

"JJ, sweetheart, lie back and shut up, I beg of you," Dave pleaded quietly against her ear as Penelope and Reid both glared at her.

Looking at Dave with big eyes, she asked, "Why is Penny trying to leave me? She's my bestest friend."

"I'm not leaving, Jayje," Pen said quietly from the end of the bed, patting JJ's leg consolingly. "I'm just going to plot my revenge for when you're sober again."

"JJ, you need to stop talking now or you need to think really carefully before you say anything else, babe. Do you understand me?" he asked in a soft voice for her ears alone.

Nodding against her pillows, JJ sighed and smiled dreamily. "You're just adorable, David Rossi. Did you know that?" she asked, patting his cheek in front of the amused onlookers in the room.

Emily laughed at that remark, asking the room in general, "Has anyone ever heard that adjective before in relation to David Rossi? I seriously need to get that on video."

Dave sighed as he watched his woman lean forward in the bed again.

"Emily! When did you get here? Have you been hiding from me?" JJ asked happily.

Catching Hotch's hidden smile, Emily bit back a laugh at her stoned friend. "I came in right behind Hotch, Jayje. I've been here the whole time."

"Hotch?" JJ asked, turning her head sharply to find the man. "OUCH, SHIT! THAT HURT! I felt that! I want more drugs!"

"NO!" came the unanimous answer of the room at large.

"Assholes," JJ grumbled.

"You okay, honey?" Dave asked, rubbing her neck gently.

"Uh huh!" JJ nodded. "I hurt but I don't really care! I only felt it a teensy weensy bit," she said, pushing two fingers together and showing them to him.

"Okay," he said softly, gently pushing her hand back into her lap..

"Now, what was I saying?" she asked. "Oh, yeah! Hotch! HotchHotchHotchHotch….that's a funny sounding name, isn't it, Dave?"

Dryly, Hotch replied, "That's my name, JJ. I think you've known it long enough to say it by now…although this is the first time I believe you've referred to it as funny."

Nodding happily, JJ said, "Yep! I've known you almost five years. Do you know I remember the first time I saw you? I honestly wondered if you starched your underwear 'cause you were Mr. Starchy Pants himself."

Staring into his young co-worker's eyes, Hotch replied, "I hope your opinion of me has changed over the years. I do know how to loosen up every now and again."

"I know!" JJ laughed easily. "Emily told me. It's hard to have starchy underwear when you don't bother wearing any! Emily! Pssstttt, Emily!"

Wincing as JJ revealed that intimate piece of knowledge, Emily shot a furiously blushing, gaping Hotch a sympathetic look. Stepping forward to look at her friend warily, Emily said, "What, Jayje?"

Crooking a finger toward the brunette, JJ whispered, "Were you impressed with the heat he was packin'?"

Groaning, Hotch looked around the room in horror and said, "Oh dear God!"

"Welcome to the club of outed individuals, Boss Man!" Penelope muttered. "Feels great, right?" she asked sarcastically.

Emily looked at Dave in shock as he tried to stifle a laugh while Morgan had a coughing fit in the corner in an attempt to disguise his giggles.

"Derek Morgan!" JJ yelled, throwing the black man a glare. "Why are you just standing there? You are supposed to be making my best friend a happy woman right now!"

"JJ!" Penelope gasped, horrified that the woman she'd confided her deepest desires to had suddenly decided to channel Chatty Cathy.

"Not now, Pen! I'm talking to Derek right now!" she said with a dismissive wave at her friend. "I've seen you watchin' her, Morgan. Hell, the entire team has watched you watch her. Have you told her yet that you're the reason Kevin Lynch got transferred to Alaska yet?"

"What?" Garcia yelled, turning on her heel to face Derek. "What did you _do_?"

Eyes darting toward the door, Morgan judged the distance he'd have to cover in order to make his escape. He winced as Hotch stepped in front of it, blocking his path.

"You'll never make it," Reid muttered.

"Don't even try, Morgan! We're in this together!" Hotch growled under his breath.

"Shit!" Morgan muttered, avoiding Penelope's round eyes.

"I'm thirsty!" JJ announced making a grab for her water cup.

Intercepting her hand, David gently told her, "Babe, you're gonna need some help there. Let me put the straw in it for you so you can swallow before you put an eye out."

"You never thought I had a problem swallowing before," JJ said with a saucy smile. "You always seemed to like it when I swallowed before, honey."

JJ laughed as she watched David's eyes widen. "Oh, who are we kidding, honey…You like it any way I'll give it to you." Turning her head toward their gathered team, she looked at Emily and Penelope and said, "He has the biggest…mmmmmfffff"

Slapping a hand over her mouth to stifle her description of his nether regions, David stared down at the woman he loved. "JJ, I think those drugs that they're pumping into you have sent you into the stratosphere, cara."

Pulling his hand away from her mouth, she fixed David with a confused look as she said, "I thought men liked to hear how big their assets are! When we were on the washing machine the other night, you kept going on and on about…"

"The washing machine?" Reid squeaked as he finally realized just what the couple in front of him was discussing. "Why were you and Agent Rossi on the washing machine, Jayje?"

Choking on a laugh, Morgan replied, "Kid, if you've gotta ask, you're too young to know."

Raising an manicured eyebrow, Penelope looked from JJ to Rossi. "So…exactly how long have you two been….ehrrmmm….washing your clothes together, hmmmm?"

"Or was this a one-time emergency laundry situation?" Emily added with a grin.

"I've been banging David Rossi for months! And banging! And banging! And banging!" JJ announced proudly, bouncing slightly in the bed. "I've never washed anything but his….oooommmmpppphhhh,"

"Yell it a little louder, honey. I don't think the people in the morgue heard you yet!" David grumbled, slapping his hand over her mouth again.

"Can I help it if you're _that_ good, David?" JJ questioned huffily, pulling his hand away from her mouth again.

David Rossi was saved from having to respond to her question as the doctor walked back into the room.

"Look, everybody! It's Dr. McDreamy!" JJ giggled, pointing at the good looking physician as he entered the room.

"I swear to God," Dave muttered to Hotch, "the next time Grey's Anatomy is on, I'm hiding that damn remote!"

The doctor grinned, lifting his hand to wave at the assembled group. "Agent Jareau, I see you've got company."

"Oh, Doc, this ain't company, THIS is my FAMILY!" she said holding her arms wide to encompass the room.

"God save us all!" Morgan muttered, ducking his head as he avoided meeting the death glare Garcia shot in his direction.

"Well, ma'am, if you're still determined for me to release you tonight, we need to go over some things. I'm going to put that wrist of yours in a sling for the next few days. Be careful not to bang it around too much!"

"Oh, God, Doctor, for the love of God, don't say banging!" Penelope groaned, covering her eyes.

Emily winced, looking at JJ. "Shut up before she gets started again."

Glaring at the two women with his patented Rossi expression, David continued to listen to the doctor as he explained that he was sending JJ home with several painkillers.

"I want to encourage you not to drive, Ms. Jareau. These drugs tend to impair your judgment and decision making abilities…." the Doctor droned.

"Too late," Hotch murmured.

"…and many people find themselves losing inhibitions they normally have," the doctor explained.

"Gee, that warning is coming a little late, Doctor," Reid grumbled.

"You're still staying with our patient, right?" the doctor asked looking at David.

"Of course he is," JJ said with a flirtatious smile up at David. "You and I have plans for tonight, don't we, honey?"

Glancing down at her hopeful, drug hazed eyes, Rossi grinned. "Sweetheart, I hate to be the one to tell you this, but you've got a sprained wrist, a pinched nerve, numerous bruises and are hopped up on morphine. There's no way that we're going to open a bottle of wine and do what we had originally planned."

"Spoilsport," JJ pouted. "That's your problem, David. You have no sense of adventure! Where's that creativity that I love so much, huh?"

Ignoring the looks the doctor and his team were currently shooting him, he leaned down to whisper against her ear, "Babe, when you can stand up straight without falling down laughing, I'll gladly show you my sense of adventure. But, I'd like for you to actually be able to remember it when I blow your mind and make you forget your name again. Capiche?"

Turning her head and popping a loud kiss against his lips, she turned and announced to the doctor, "Okay, doc, get me out of here! He just promised to blow my mind later and let me tell you, he's damn good at it! Really, the man _knows_ how to put the OH! in orgasmic!"

"And on that note, I'll send the nurse in with the discharge papers," the doctor laughed, escaping the room quickly.


	5. Chapter 5

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* * *

**Stoned**

**Chapter Five**

Hearing Penelope and Emily chuckle, JJ turned toward them, surprised. "What are you girls still doing here? Aren't you both supposed to be seducing your own men? Don't expect them to do all the work! Show 'em your moves, too!" Turning her head toward Rossi, she smiled. "That's what I did and it worked out for me…he couldn't say no after the first time."

Drawing a deep breath and looking skyward, Hotch said, "Okay, team, I think this is where we came in." Looking at his errant employee, Hotch calmly stated, "JJ, get better soon. Please don't worry about coming into the office for the next few days. You too, Dave. I'll have worker's comp contact you tomorrow. And, I know you won't remember any of this, so Rossi will fill you in again tomorrow." Looking at the other team members, he cleared his throat. "I don't think I need to remind anyone else that everything that was said in this room, stays in this room."

Looking at Dave, Hotch said quietly, "I don't know whether to congratulate you, berate you, or offer my condolences. You two have met your match in each other, I'm afraid."

"You have no idea," Dave sighed, a smile in his lips and eyes. "No idea, whatsoever."

"Thank God," Hotch murmured with an aggrieved look at JJ who was currently blowing bubbles in her water.

Slinking by JJ's bed, Morgan said over his shoulder, "You've got some good stuff in you right now, little sister. But when we tell you about this night later, I want you to know that I plan on laughing my ass off at you for days!"

Watching Reid still standing shocked at the foot of JJ's bed, Dave rolled his eyes and motioned for Emily and Penelope. "Would you two please assist our resident genius outside while he finds his ability to walk again? Get him a cup of coffee and knock him back into reality."

Both women moved quietly forward, trying not to draw JJ's fire again, but it wasn't necessary. JJ was quite happily occupied still blowing bubbles in her cup of water, giggling away.

Smiling down at the wonderful woman in the bed in front of him, Dave looked at a serene looking JJ. Kissing her forehead, he asked, "Honey, do you have any idea what you've done tonight?"

"Huh?" JJ asked, looking around. "Where'd everybody go? What happened, Dave?"

Laughing as he helped her sit up on the side of the bed, Dave replied, "I'm betting they're all running for the hills right about now. Babe, you just managed in forty five minutes to out every member of our team's biggest secret, including ours."

Gazing into her vacant eyes, David realized that the lady he was holding in his arms had no clue what he was saying. She wasn't comprehending a single word. Shaking his head at his young beauty, he assisted a very high Jennifer back into her clothes and out to his truck.

On the way out, no one that had dealt with JJ that night missed the opportunity to tell them just how entertaining their patient had been. She'd be missed. Waving and blowing kisses to them all, JJ looked up into David's face as he pushed her wheelchair to their waiting vehicle.

"Those people were all so nice, David! I can't wait to stay at this hotel again," she said brightly.

It was with a sigh of relief that he watched his woman fall asleep as soon as he put the truck into gear**.**

_**$$000$$**_

The next morning, it was with unbridled glee that, after feeding his love her two pain pills, he filled her in on the events of the previous evening.

"You outed us all, Bella," Dave swore solemnly.

"No, I didn't. I couldn't have!" JJ moaned as she buried her face in her hands. "Did I really?" she asked in abject horror.

"Oh, Cara Mia, you could and you did!" he laughed, pulling her into his arms. "Then you came home and took very large advantage of me!"

"Yeah, I'm sure you tried to fight me off," JJ sniped, slapping his arm. "How could you let me do that, David?"

"Bella, I couldn't stop you! Believe me, I tried. The good news is that we're out of the closet now!" David announced with a brilliant smile. As embarrassing as some of JJ's revelations had been last night, he firmly believed that fate had played a definitive role in last night's events.

"I guess I just played right into your nefarious little hands, huh?" JJ asked with a raised eyebrow.

David grinned. "Well, if we'd done it my way, you wouldn't have told the hidden desires of our entire team, Bella."

"Do they hate me now?" JJ asked worriedly. Gnawing her lower lip as she took mental stock of what she'd done, she wondered if anyone would ever forgive her.

"Who could hate you, angel?" David said, kissing her temple and pulling her to him.

"Oh, let's see! Our team?" JJ groaned, barely resisting the urge to go back to bed and pull the covers back over her head.

"I talked to everyone this morning, sweetheart. Each one of them called to check on you. And, you'll be pleased to know that Hotch and Emily have decided to join us in our exit from the proverbial closet. And, Morgan spent the night at Garcia's apartment last night," David said, waggling his eyebrows at her.

"And Reid?" JJ asked in a small voice.

David laughed. "Swears he's never going to a bar with you again, but he sends his love."

"Okay," JJ sighed as she leaned against him. "I guess I feel better now."

"Good! Now that we're out of that closet, Bella, do you think you would actually _wear_ the engagement ring somewhere other than our home?"

"I suppose I could do that," JJ said, smiling up into the face of the man she loved. "I guess we're going to give the team another shock."

"Just don't take anything before we tell them this secret," David advised, hugging her to him.

After all, he'd really like for the team to see the rock he'd bought her when she wasn't stoned.

**~THE END~**


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